Tags: poor wretch

19 May 2006, Comments Off on Friday Dog blogging

Friday Dog blogging

Author: Helen

Barista once remarked that he’d quite like a Newfoundland. No, he wouldn’t. This is why.

Let me illustrate with a real Newfie which belongs to a friend of ours.

Newfs are beautiful, loyal dogs with a temperament that is second to none.

Newfs also grow to be about the size of a shetland pony, but that’s only the half of it. They are water dogs from the coldest and harshest of climates, so they have long, thick fur with that woolly under-layer which water dogs have. If you are the friend in question, you will paint your floorboards white, the better to display the tumbleweeds of black wool swirling around the place. You will buy this book to learn how to knit sweaters from the overgenerous fur harvest.

Your newfie is a wonderfully gentle and affectionate fellow, so even though he has enormous jowls with teeth the size of a shark’s, you can trust him with the smallest child (see fig.1.) No, you don’t have to fear his mighty jaws. You need to fear his drool.

These dogs produce saliva at an unbelievable rate. Your newfie will approach you joyfully, lovingly, to thrust nose under arm or into crotch as all happy dogs will. Unfortunately, his huge jowls, with their glistening, exposed gum lining, will quite often have long and thick strings of hours-old viscosity attached to them. You will flee. He will think it’s a game. You will end up with obscene slime on your best work pants.

A newfie’s life is full of tragic rebuffs from people he just wants to lurrrrve.

You will remove the back seat of your car, because he’s too big for a back seat or a hatchback boot. Occasionally, some poor wretch, desperate for a lift somewhere, will brave the seatbeltless cave. This is a mistake. The newfie will either rub the slimy jowls on them lovingly, or– horrible to relate!* — will shake his head as all dogs do, sending long strings of dogsaliva flying left and right. Splat!

You will have to top up the water bowl eight times a day. When you empty it, the remaining “water” will fall out all in one piece.

They’re lovely dogs. Really. As long as they’re owned by other people.

*Too much Edgar Allen Poe at an early age.