Aleeshya’s mum really needs to moisturise more.

A team of Australian scientists have uncovered the world’s oldest vertebrate mother in a newly unearthed species of fossil fish. Published in Nature, the fossil shows a single embryo connected by an umbilical cord and is the oldest evidence of an animal giving birth to live young.

Dating back around 380 million years…

Students at Scarysuburb Senior college were less than impressed with the news when the Balcony did a quick voxpop today.

“My mother is, like, way older,” said Britnee, 16. “She listens to like the Flock of Seagulls and stuff and when that 80s stuff came back a few months back, she had a lot of that stuff in her closet already. Although she had to give it to me cos she couldn’t fit into it any more. Plus, she doesn’t even know how to text. Old.”

But she had to defer finally to young Aleeshya, or as she’s known to her family, “change of life baby”. “My mum had a Kombi van with swirly bits painted on it,” she said. “And the high point of her life was going to Sunbury and watching Billy Thorpe who is, like, dead.”