Scene: A back room at the Wentworth Hotel, 9:30, saturday, November 24.
The soon-to-be-ex PM is rehearsing an especially tricky section of his concession speech with a coach from Crosby Textor.
Crosby Textor Coach: Now, deep breath and try again. You can do this!
Rodent: I t-t-t-t-take…
Rodent: I t-t-t-take fuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaargh!
Rodent: fuuuaaaaaaargh! Respoooooooooooniiiiiibleeeee…
Rodent: Yes, I AM aware of that. It’s the word order I find, quite frankly, mr Spoiker, offensive to a great statesman such as myself.
CTC: I’m not your Mr Speaker, you made that mistake before. Try to remember we’re not in Parliament now. Right, let’s go again, not long to go before your speech.
Rodent: I t-taa..ake fuuuargh! Respoooooooooooniiiiiieeeee! Aaargh! It burns!
CTC: Here, have some water. Don’t worry mate, I know you haven’t had any practice with this. we’ll have it down by the time you hit the podium.
Rodent: I’m meltiiiiiiing…..