19 May 2006, Comments Off on Friday Dog blogging

Friday Dog blogging

Author: Helen

Barista once remarked that he’d quite like a Newfoundland. No, he wouldn’t. This is why.

Let me illustrate with a real Newfie which belongs to a friend of ours.

Newfs are beautiful, loyal dogs with a temperament that is second to none.

Newfs also grow to be about the size of a shetland pony, but that’s only the half of it. They are water dogs from the coldest and harshest of climates, so they have long, thick fur with that woolly under-layer which water dogs have. If you are the friend in question, you will paint your floorboards white, the better to display the tumbleweeds of black wool swirling around the place. You will buy this book to learn how to knit sweaters from the overgenerous fur harvest.

Your newfie is a wonderfully gentle and affectionate fellow, so even though he has enormous jowls with teeth the size of a shark’s, you can trust him with the smallest child (see fig.1.) No, you don’t have to fear his mighty jaws. You need to fear his drool.

These dogs produce saliva at an unbelievable rate. Your newfie will approach you joyfully, lovingly, to thrust nose under arm or into crotch as all happy dogs will. Unfortunately, his huge jowls, with their glistening, exposed gum lining, will quite often have long and thick strings of hours-old viscosity attached to them. You will flee. He will think it’s a game. You will end up with obscene slime on your best work pants.

A newfie’s life is full of tragic rebuffs from people he just wants to lurrrrve.

You will remove the back seat of your car, because he’s too big for a back seat or a hatchback boot. Occasionally, some poor wretch, desperate for a lift somewhere, will brave the seatbeltless cave. This is a mistake. The newfie will either rub the slimy jowls on them lovingly, or– horrible to relate!* — will shake his head as all dogs do, sending long strings of dogsaliva flying left and right. Splat!

You will have to top up the water bowl eight times a day. When you empty it, the remaining “water” will fall out all in one piece.

They’re lovely dogs. Really. As long as they’re owned by other people.

*Too much Edgar Allen Poe at an early age.

Comments (0)

  • TimT says:

    A chilling vision of things to come, eh, Barista? We had a fox-terrier once and she hardly drooled at all.

    I keep on thinking about getting a dog, but I don’t know if this would be responsible at the moment; I also want to take a holiday overseas and don’t think they’d like it very much at my current house – a small terrace house in Coburg.

  • Helen says:

    You’re a good friend to Rachy, Tim, ya ledge. Please give her my best.

  • Helen says:

    Actually, there’s a typo there.

    Splat! should read thwocka-thwocka-thwocka-splat!!!”

  • Jo says:

    Say, didn’t I see you the other night leaving muddy footprints on my lovely white floors?
    No, no that couldn’t be!
    Or spilling red wine all over my lovely clean tablecloth as you pontificated on the state of the world, and then in mid sentence stopping to check the time, unfortunately the watch was on your “drinking hand’!
    (I’m sure the stain will come out…..eventually)

    Hard as I try though, I cannot refute what you write about
    “He who can do no wrong” your words are true,
    but think of the years of perverse pleasure I have had watching
    said dog chase you around the house cos, you know, like the rest of us,
    he love you sooooo much and just like the Carpenters he wants to be
    “Close to You”!
    Anyway, one day it will be found that Newfoundland slag
    is the fountain of youth, that magical substance that
    “Keeps you looking young “, rich old biddies from Toorak and Hollywood stars will be smearing the stuff all over their faces and booking themselves in to Newfoundland health farms for treatments.
    “Taking the waters”,
    will certainly be a “different”, experience for all concerned in those far off days.
    Where fat, well-fed Newfoundlands lie in booths with suction devices
    attached to their jowls….yuk!
    Remember Royal Jelly?
    Still I’ve never met a bee who slobbered and besides,
    who’s gonna be the first to try it?
    Not you and certainly not me!
    There’s another sort of farm that people can be booked into
    and I’m trying desperately to stay out of it!
    love Jo

  • Helen says:

    Notice how he’s too big to fit in the photograph. 😉

    Lies, all lies about red wine and especially floor being nice and clean. (Not that ours is, mind you.)

  • Jo says:

    Dear Bloger,
    Was it Hitler who said “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story ” or was it John Howard who said , ” They threw the children ( or truth ) over abroad”
    If it was a Newfoundland they’d need a truss ! 80kgs of slobber is whole lotta love…….C’mon you blogging wimps correct me maybe it wasn’t Hitler maybe it was yer Grandmother.

  • Helen says:

    Jo, since you’re new to this, please google “Godwin’s Law”

    Although whether it applied to threads on Newfoundlands, I’m not sure.

  • tigtog says:

    My parents’ neighbours in the house before this one had a Newfie.

    Every word about the drool is true.

    We all loved him though.

  • Jo says:

    Thanks for patting me on the head….Jesus ! oops you must have stayed up all night to find that law ! I’m off to my room ! Bad dog bad dog bad dog !

  • Charly says:

    But gosh darn-it, thats one cute red-headed child…

  • david tiley says:

    I met someone in St Kilda who owns two. He can’t be working full time because he told me he takes the pair of them down to the beach, punts a Sherrin into the surf and watches for two hours as they play like crazy.

    Bet he wears a raincoat to call them out.

    The Newfie dog rescuers in the US claim they only eat as much as a labrador, which by coincidence is the next suburb on that Canadian coast. They don’t tell us that labs are legendary gutses. Hard to imagine people having to rescue Newfies. Usually the other way around.

    I dunno about our next dog yet. Some talk about a Tibetan Spaniel, but they are unusual and hard to get and we will have to save up for them. However, even a thousand dollar dog if its healthy puts us ahead in our old pension age if we manage to avoid just one major repair job at the vet.

    I once lived with a Samoyed. That was enough in the drool stakes.

  • Helen says:

    I’m inclined to think it’s the opposite D, that getting a healthy (they’re pre-vetted) mutt from the LDH is more likely to save you vet bills than an expensive rare breed, for which the gene pool in Oz would be tiny.

    But I’m biased.

  • L. says:

    One of my greatest regrets in life is that I`m very allergic to animal dander (I get all sneezey and itchy).

    But you`ve made me realize there`s a silver lining. I will never have to deal with more drool than my babies produced.

  • Kate says:

    Thank god German Shorthair Pointers don’t drool.

  • Helen says:

    AND they have short hair.
    Speaking of Tibet, Lhasa apsos are nice. A friend of ours has one, our dog uses her for a football, and she adores this for some reason. She’s a gutsy dog and her face makes you crack up laughing.

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